I never realized how therapeutic writing a blog can be. I started this thing to try and cope with the threat of the end of a relationship and now that the end has come and gone now I get to do a lot of things that I couldn't for fear of repercussions from the person I was in the relationship with. Now if I had more venom for that person having something like this would be like ringing a bell, but I am trying to avoid that at all costs.
I think back now and likely the relationship should have ended at the first sign of trouble or the first blog entry I posted about it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and at the time I would have told you that you were full of shit if you told me no matter what you do, she's leaving and you can't do anything about it. Truth is it was EXACTLY the case and here I am. Time and again trying to put things back together with her has crossed my mind...moreso when the wound was fresh than now, of course...but it's just not going to happen.
There is one thing that keep bringing me back to this being a good thing. It's a quote from the TV show Scrubs by Doctor Cox...the egotistical narcissist played by John C. McGinley...who said:
"Relationships don't work like they do on television and in the movies, 'will they? won't they?' and they finally get it together, give me a break. Nine out of 10 of them end because they weren't right for each other in the first place and half of them who get married get divorced anyway and I tell you through all this stuff I have not become a cynic...I haven't.
Bottom line is that couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everone else but the big difference is THEY DON'T LET IT TAKE THEM DOWN.
One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're REAL lucky."
I heard that quote the night we broke up and it hit me square in the 10-ring. So I posted it as a status message on facebook and oh, the responses I got. Most of them very favorable. Of course, it was misconstrued as a slam against her and looking back my first intention was to do exactly that (hell, I was mad and my girlfriend broke up with me, whaddya want?). In the time that has gone by though I have re-examined that and the fallout from it and I know in my heart I did indeed fight to save our relationship.
Ten years ago, I did the same thing to try and save my marriage in the same way. If I can be proud of anything in both cases, I can be proud that I didn't just cave in and say WTF, I'm out.
It does take the edge off, but she's still there, and of course the good times always flood my memory. The battle rages on. I could lie and tell you I hope she's happy in her life without me, but to be brutally honest I don't care. She was treated better than any guy she's ever had in her life and she gave that up. I don;t know if being treated well frightened her or what but she made that decision.
She has to live with that.
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