Death knell...

As many of you know my blogs recently have detailed the end of my relationship. I have finally come to grips with the fact that it's over. Now that there's no going back after this latest explosion instead of blaming her I am just going to call it even and accept the fact that the last embers of the bridge are dying out and she is GONE.

Oddly enough, instead of feeling sorry for myself I feel...nothing. I mean, three months ago, when the trouble first started and she lowered the first boom I was DEVASTATED. I felt I had reason to be, and though I prolonged it a month it still ended. I sucks when one month everything is clicking and there is light and happiness in your life and the next month you hate the fact that you did everything wrong in your life and the one person you held out as your love in life and the only one you could imagine youself with for the rest of your life took it upon themselves to tell you about it when they had no use for you anymore.

I am working very hard to NOT let this turn me into a cynic about relationships. I still do believe that somewhere there is a true love out there for me in a person who will accept me in all phases of my life: past, present and future. What I can't wrap my mind around is how nobody thinks like that anymore. I know you have to protect yourself in life and when you go through what I'm going through it hardens you for the next person.

It's unfair because that next person in your life has to suffer and work through your paranoia about what MIGHT happen based on what someone did to them before. Unfortunately I'm at that point right now. If it happens again I will probably work way to hard to keep my previous relationship problems from entering into a future one and the seeds of doubt will be planted and another blog like this will spew forth from my fingers. I never intended for that to happen with her, but her past told her that the many bumps I had in the road somehow made me unfit to be her one and only, and here I am back at square one.

Normally in a typical breakup blog the last couple of paragraphs are where I'm supposed to hitch up my pants and tell you guys "by God, I'm not going to let this get me down" and "who the hell is she to say what's wrong with me", but I just can't get there right now. I am as blank about this as you can get. Absolutely no emotion save a developing cynicism about how false people can be especially when it comes to the love they give and the love they receive. What gets me is I keep coming around to one question: At what point did love wind up not being enough in life?

Against my better judgement I plan on publishing the blog on my social networking and let my feelings flow. Unlike the last time I published it she has deleted and blocked me, so I can do so without having any reservations about it. If she don't like it, too effing bad. I know I did right by her despite the petty nature of our breakup AND I fought for it because I believe we were right for each other, and I quite frankly could give a crap less if she slanders my name from here to doomsday. It just doesn't matter to me anymore and I don't care.