First blog of 2010...one I was hoping to never write.

Okay, it's been 3 months and I haven't been as faithful to this blog ans I should have been. Of course, major events tend to disrupt ones faithfulness to such a thing but things have settled to the point that I can put this to the blog, I hope, without too much raw emotion interfering.

I am currently single, not seeing anyone anymore. The threat to my relationship that I posted in the previous blog entry prolonged the thing about a month before the hammer was dropped. I had attempted to get things done as she had suggested but time ran out on her end. Plus, I said some things that were hurtful, she said some things that were hurtful and the end result is that it ended right then and there. I am starting my 3rd week of being single and it's slowly getting easier. I've had plenty to keep myself busy, which helps in the distraction part of this, but every once in a while things happen or I see things or hear things that brings everything back. I know that is going to happen, but knowing it in advance isn't making it any easier.

As I get older I wonder if I will every have the security of being in love with someone again. That is one of the things that she maintained I was in the relationship for; the fact I was in a relationship. I have never operated that way since I started pursuing relationships, including the one I took the vows in. I want to have the same sort of security I saw my parents enjoy the whole time they were together, the whole sickness, health, rich, poor, better, worse thing. My dad's death in 2002 finished the "till death do us part" conclusion of that, so they fulfilled their vows to the letter/

Somehow they made it work. I dare say, they made it look easy. It probably wasn't, but it sure looked like it. I mean, I saw several of my friends when I was growing up endure the splitting of their parents and yet my folks kept it together. It almost makes me feel ashamed that I had it so good. I grow up (It's hard to admit that), give the same thing a go and my marriage fails. It lasted 5 years, but it failed. I have reconciled all that I did wrong in that...which wasn't easy to do...and moved on.

In the end I will get past this, and get back to that place. It's going to take time, and I have developed an impatient in the interim streak that is most decidedly NOT me. That is yet another part I have to add to the whole moving forward bit. Ah well.