The End: Mom answers the call...

On Monday, 29 January 2018, I saw my mother die.

At about 11:27 in the morning, in front of my sister and I, we saw her quietly and without fanfare pass from this life to the next, completing her journey 75 years to the day after beginning it.

That is, she died on her birthday. 

It was the final act of a journey begun on New Year's day when an alarmingly swollen right leg prompted me to take my mother to the hospital. 

It's hard to imagine that an initial blood clot diagnosis on that day led to the discovery of cancer and my mother's eventual death, but here we are.

According to her wishes, we cremated my mother and on Thursday, 08 February 2018, her remains were interred with my father's in Floral Haven cemetery here in Tulsa. 

It's hard, nearly four weeks later, to imagine that she's gone.  Of course, four weeks will turn into six, six into twelve and so on, and life will resume,

The last days: Mom's cancer journey comes to an end..

Mom is almost to the finish line.

She is in hospice as I write this and the end isn't far away.  At least that's what the medical staff are telling me.  I was summoned to her hospice center three days ago after the nurse told me her blood pressure had dropped significantly and respiration was going shallow.  The "terminal secretions" had also started so all of that, taken together, means time is getting very short.

On the negative side, both of my parents will be gone and I will be on my own, an eventuality we all face at one time in our lives.  On the positive side, I was lucky enough to have had one of my parents around for nearly a half century, which makes me a fortunate man indeed.

Since New Year's Day, when I took mom to the hospital for what will be the final time in her life, I have been wracked with guilt.  Not so much for doing it...after all, this was just a swollen leg and not cancer to begin with...but for not having done it sooner.  It likely wouldn't have mattered, but the "What If" doesn't allow for that.

As I stated previously,  my mother isn't one to get medical attention without having a reason to.  Preventative care like regular doctor visits never happened.  This was true of both of my parents and they blamed it on the generation they were born in. 

It's all speculation but I have a theory that mother was afraid of getting an early diagnosis.  Mainly because of the treatment that cancer prescribes which can be more traumatic than suffering from it.  Either that or her generation knew cancer as a death sentence,  which it essentially is now and she wanted to take it as it went.

As i sit next to her bed writing this, respiration is labored and very slow.  My sister and I are fairly certain that at least part of her is already gone.  She is a shell of herself in terms of the mom I knew just a month ago.  I'm transfixed watching her draw her final breaths hoping she isn't in pain.  It's not easy to watch even still.

I hope I've been a good son to her, because she's been an awesome mom for me.  She earned her place in Heaven alongside my dad and her family departed long ago.  I'll see her soon enough.

Thanks mom, for everything.  I love you.

Ongoing struggle...

A couple of days ago I posted my annual tribute entry to my daughter, who left us on the day of her birth. If you're a regular reader of my blog you know why I do it, but for those who aren't aware of it, here is why.

Simply put, it's the most visible example of how I deal with the ongoing struggle with grief in my life.

Males deal with things differently than females and I'm certainly no exception to the rule.  That said, males are also supposed to be of stronger construct and resilient enough to move on quicker.

I try and do that every day, but anniversaries always happen, and it brings it all back.

Since 1999, I have had to deal with my emotions on my own as a result of my marriage to my daughter's mother failing.  Truth be told, the failure of our marriage was very likely the beginning of the end for us as a couple, and that is also why this blog exists.

It gets it out in the open.