Mom is almost to the finish line.
She is in hospice as I write this and the end isn't far away. At least that's what the medical staff are telling me. I was summoned to her hospice center three days ago after the nurse told me her blood pressure had dropped significantly and respiration was going shallow. The "terminal secretions" had also started so all of that, taken together, means time is getting very short.
On the negative side, both of my parents will be gone and I will be on my own, an eventuality we all face at one time in our lives. On the positive side, I was lucky enough to have had one of my parents around for nearly a half century, which makes me a fortunate man indeed.
Since New Year's Day, when I took mom to the hospital for what will be the final time in her life, I have been wracked with guilt. Not so much for doing it...after all, this was just a swollen leg and not cancer to begin with...but for not having done it sooner. It likely wouldn't have mattered, but the "What If" doesn't allow for that.
As I stated previously, my mother isn't one to get medical attention without having a reason to. Preventative care like regular doctor visits never happened. This was true of both of my parents and they blamed it on the generation they were born in.
It's all speculation but I have a theory that mother was afraid of getting an early diagnosis. Mainly because of the treatment that cancer prescribes which can be more traumatic than suffering from it. Either that or her generation knew cancer as a death sentence, which it essentially is now and she wanted to take it as it went.
As i sit next to her bed writing this, respiration is labored and very slow. My sister and I are fairly certain that at least part of her is already gone. She is a shell of herself in terms of the mom I knew just a month ago. I'm transfixed watching her draw her final breaths hoping she isn't in pain. It's not easy to watch even still.
I hope I've been a good son to her, because she's been an awesome mom for me. She earned her place in Heaven alongside my dad and her family departed long ago. I'll see her soon enough.
Thanks mom, for everything. I love you.
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