For my daughter on her birthday. Eighteen and life...

Today, she would have been 18 years old.

As part of ongoing therapy, I write a blog every year to honor my first child, who did not make it to earth from heaven.  I found that it does help, and looking back, I wish I had this sort of thing to help me out way back in the old days of the mid-1990's.  It is a little disquieting to realize that in just two years, it will have been 20-years since her light, brief though it was, was part of our lives.

This birthday is a milestone in everyone's life.  Her mother and I often wonder what would be going had she lived.  Speaking personally, I would hope she would have wound up as a good girl, well rounded and sweet, like every daddy on the planet.  

It goes without saying the the plans for her adult life would be in full swing...high school graduation would be happening in the spring, and had the best of all situations occurred, she would be making plans for college, the military, or the working world depending on what she wanted to do.  We would be actively participating in what she wanted to do, but she would be the one who would have full control of the tiller because it would be her life she would be planning.

It's a big step for anyone.  I would offer her as much guidance as I could, but I would be surrendering control of her life to her, and that would have been an adjustment.  Not to diminish the significance of that moment in her life that would have been, I likely will not be doing much of that in her brother's life going forward.  To that end I would hope that she would have been helpful plotting his course too, but the greater importance would be making sure she was set to begin the next chapter in her life as a young woman.

The best thing I can say to those reading this is that over time, the pain gets duller.  The rest of your life takes over and you have to deal with that as opposed to sitting and letting the grief control you.  Everyone deals with it in their own way and there is not any set schedule telling you how long you should be sad or whatever.  You literally cannot do anything wrong when it comes to grieving your child or anyone else for that matter so you can take some comfort knowing that.

Remember though, the pain does get easier, it never goes away.

With that, year 18 for my sweet daughter begins.  Happy Birthday my sweet Angel.

Daddy loves you.

Angel Cherub Lohman

Born at Rest October 31, 1996