At a loss for words...

 It's no secret that I am living my life completely alone.

Both of my parents are dead, my son lives with his mother in a different state, and I am estranged from my sister.  Remember what I said about shitshows in the cardiac arrest entry?  It applies here>  There's a new wrinkle to that last one though.

I am sick.  

My heart is failing and the future is uncertain.  I am also in stage 3 (or 4) kidney failure to add more spice to things.  The near death experience which is hard NOT to talk about revealed a difficult truth about my future like a ton of bricks.

I came to the awful realization that I'm in big trouble.

A lot of my life has centered around disappointing those around me.  Parents, my sister, my wife.  Friends and so forth.  I'm 55 years old.  In my peer group, my friends have been married for decades, with adult children and grandchildren in some cases.  Me, no such luck.  I have a grown child but the really twisted manner that he was brought into this world, with selfishness on the part of his mother and her family deserve a completely different entry.

I told you that in order to communicate the other awful truth of Rich Lohman in his golden years: I have lived a half century plus and I have little to show for it, if anything.  If I die tomorrow, I'll have very little except for a child and whatever is on my back, literally.  That too, is a work in progress and is somewhat on the upswing but there isn't exactly solid ground underneath it.

What troubles me the most, I guess, is that I don't know how to reconcile with my sister.

When mom died in 2018, we had a falling out that happened over a material thing: the house we grew up in.  She wanted to sell, I wanted to wait.  Things were happening so fast in our mother's final month that I wasn't thinking clearly and though I'm not certain of it 100% my sister was too, and in a moment's anger I signed the house into my name using mom's power of attorney.

Needless to say, my sister was not pleased.

When it was all said and done she left with what we agreed was the property mom had that she would have wanted her to have, and she drove away.  As of this writing, six years on, we've barely spoken beyond a pleasantry on a birthday ere and there.  The longest conversation I've had with her was an evening's text message in the hospital, and I have NO IDEA how she knew what happened outside of a likely social media post by me when things settled down.

Since the December event I've done a lot of thinking about this, and it's high time we reconcile our differences.  We weren't raised this way is my contention.  Through our childhood years my sister and I had our differences but the majority of the time we were friendly.  My sister are all that's left of our parents legacy and we need to call a truce.  I just want the fightig to stop.  That's all.

I have NO idea how it can be managed though.