I came to a realization the other day.
The one thing that I’ve been thinking about all week has been what a person I have been to my friends and family in my life, particularly in my later life as an adult when it really matters.
When character really matters.
And after a lot of self examination, and looking at myself in the mirror, I’ve come up in the character department.
Painfully short.
Hilariously short.
I have very good friends who support me, have been there for me, and really came through when I was at my lowest point in life. That’s all well and good, but I haven’t been able to return the favor. I could sit here and tell you a myriad of excuses, but at the end of the day I’ve really failed them, and in doing so failed myself.
There’s a lot of doom and gloom here, but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now and it’s all connified itself in this week, which has been an extremely tough one for me and is leading into a tough one next week
I’m 54 years old. There’s a lot of things that should’ve happened with me that did not and probably will not.
That realization, along with a glimpse of my mortality, vicariously through a friend of mine, who passed away, this week has really made me think about what my legacy will be when it’s my time to leave.
I’ve joked about how I perceive that to happen, but in reading, my friend’s obituary and the tributes that are coming in, including my own, I hope that the prevailing attitude among those left behind is not something along the lines of “well he’s dead, he was a dick“.
Unfortunately, as of this moment, I think that’s exactly what people are going to say about me. I guess it’s a good thing that I won’t be around to hear it. If movies and television are to be believed, though, more than likely, I’ll be able to hear and understand every single word.
At this hour, I have no idea how I can make things right with some of my friends. What gets to me is the fact that, even though I realize this the prevailing attitude will be “no Rich, you’re a great person. You’ve been a great friend to me, quit talking like that.”.
But that’s human nature. You have those friends in life who will take a swing at you with the gloves off and admittedly, I wish people were more like that. I have a friend that’s exactly like that and he’s one of the people that I feel the worst about not being a great friend to, especially in my later adult years.
I did not intend this extemporaneous blog to be a confessional, I’m not even Catholic. And I don’t know if anyone will read this if something ever happens to me, but for those people that this blog was intended for I do hope that on this day, 28 January 2023, that, this person, your friend Rich, realized that he wasn’t the best friend to you, when you were the best friend that you could be to him/me.
*** Please be in mind when you read this, I am not having self-destructive thoughts. Nor am I having thoughts of hurting myself either. I’m just getting older, and I realize the value of being a better person as I start to see the sun starting to go down in life —RL
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