I want to cancel Christmas 2022.

Today is December 23, 2022.

It’s two days before Christmas.

Any other year of my life would be filled with great anticipation, I would be surrounded by family and be in a happy place in life.

Not so this year

This year, I am truly alone.

I have no family in the state of Oklahoma anymore, my son moved with his mother to another state last year, and I have family in that same state that for four years, almost 5 now, hasn’t spoken to me.

And, of course, both of my parents are dead.

All I have really are two cats, that’s it.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lonely in my entire life. It came close in 1999 when my marriage was pulling apart, but even then I still have family around me and a support structure that I could lean on.

This year: nothing. I have nobody.

What’s worse is this is starting to affect my mental health. I’m not having thoughts of harming myself or anything like that which is fairly typical around the holidays.But my worry is that it might progressed at that point.

I do know, however, that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And it wouldn’t solve anything, there is suicide in my family, but it occurred a long time before I was born.And it was a situation that was not spoken of until the main actors in that situation were long gone.

But as I said, I’m not to that point.  I do feel that I need some help though,  I have a lot of worry in life right now, as things change so radically in 2022. I’m struggling to catch up. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.

I guess I can just hope to get through the next four days with my sanity intact then go from there.