Once again, I give you another chapter in the “family matters “series of blog entries.
Today is November 27, 2022. Three days ago was Thanksgiving and in a little over a month it will be Christmas and New Year’s.
I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving and I am not looking forward to Christmas or New Year’s this year. It has been a very rough year. Big changes took place in my life that I am still reeling from and while I have hope that things will improve, I’m trying to keep everything in perspective.
Through 54 years every situation that I’ve gotten into has managed to work itself out one way or the other. And with this in mind, I am hoping that everything that is piling on this year will ease up moving into the new year. I figure I would be fine if it weren’t for the fact that I can’t seem to catch a break.
I don’t have a personal life per se, though I am trying to develop one. I had hope that maybe the social agenda would allow me to maybe get into a situation with someone and maybe something wonderful develop out of it, but unfortunately that didn’t come to pass.
I won’t go into details, but after a really good series of being friendly, not rushing things, and doing what I thought was expected of me trying to “court“ this person, two weeks ago I was told that I wasn’t worth the effort of trying to develop a relationship.
Needless to say, I’m disappointed, there is bitterness and hurt, but I am really trying to keep myself from turning into an emotionless uncaring person. That’s not who I am. That’s not how I was brought up.
That event, of course, is the tip of the iceberg.
This will be the first holiday season, where my one, and only child is not within easy access. My son, as I may, or may not have detailed in this volume, does not live within five minutes of me anymore. At the end of the year last year, his mother and stepfather Sold their house and moved to another state.
The distraction of being in medical recovery, and the usual confusion of the end of the year muted the emotion that I was feeling over his departure. Over time, though, it is all bubbled back to the surface.
I miss him terribly. It’s worse now than when he was younger and living here because of the accessibility issues. That being that I always had access to him for any number of reasons. If there’s anything good that came out of the divorce between his mother and I, it’s the fact that I’ve never been truly long-term denied access to my child. The early part of our divorce, notwithstanding, of course..
These days I have to basically borrow time in order to see him. Things have to fall into place for me to have any kind of quality time with him because of travel issues between here and where he lives in Texas.
It eats at me like an acid every time I think about it.
The final issue that haunts me as 2022 comes to a close is of course my family situation.
As you have read previously in this volume, there are issues between me, and my sister that developed during the period in which my mother was in her final days that have the two of us at an impasse. Things were said, actions happened, and other situations that have basically she and I not speaking to one another.
She and I did not grow up in a typical, combative, sibling nature that you see in families. Sure, there was a rivalry between the two of us, but it wasn’t something that either one of us really held a grudge against the other. Our parents did not raise us to be that way.
In another “family matters“ blog I will detail the reason why my sister and I are currently at odds. I think that the bridge can be rebuilt despite the fact that she and I pretty well burned it to the ground in 2018. The problem there is that my sister is extremely hard headed and she does hold grudges.
Looking reflectively on what brought she and I to this point, I will concede that what I did would make me mad if she had done the same thing to me. That said, I would not completely cut her out of my life. Family is something that you can’t get away from, no matter how bad someone pisses you off.
Anyway, that’s what’s been rattling around in my head since the last time I published a blog. Hopefully the holidays in 2022 will start an upward swing on the pendulum.
We shall see.
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