Christmas 2017: The busted holiday...

This one is going to be long and somewhat personal and cathartic,  so buckle up.

Newton's third law states that for every action there is, an equal and opposite reaction.   This applies not only to the laws of physics but other things as well.

As you read in the last blog my five year forced vacation will end after new years when my new job starts.   That is the good thing that happened in the last three weeks and if you've followed my bellyaching  over the years you know what a torturous journey it's been.

The "good" part essentially ends there, unfortunately because the holiday killer descriptions are next.

If you know me in the real world you know that like clockwork, at year's end, I travel with my mother to Texas to visit my sister and her family for Christmas.

It's an annual ritual that began mostly because of my dad's passing in 2002 and one I've missed only twice in the 15 years since then, once in 2007 when I was suffering from the illness that claimed my foot (and nearky killed me), and this year for a totally different situation, this involving my mother.

I won't go into any great detail about the exact situation but, it would appear that  moving forward, I will be dealing with the problems associated with an aging parent.  Specifically issues that deal with dementia and possibly Alzheimers disease.  It runs in her family and by genetics I'm staring it in the face as well when I get to be that age.

There was an incident on the day we were set to travel to Texas a few days ago with my mom that basically prevented us from going this year.   Again,  not going to go into great detail about it but it was a simple case of my mother's health and well being vs the stress of traveling causing hreat distress to her and based on that, it wasn't hard to pull the plug on the whole situation.

It wasn't without consequences either.

This is another dicey situation which I won't go into but as it goes with children who have to make decisions regarding their parents as they "turn towards the door" of life, so to speak, talking about it before is a problem and actually having it stare you on the face are two entirely different things. 

Now the reality of what's ahead is in our lap, and since we've never really REALLY talked about this issue just the two of us there is friction.   Not unexpected friction,  at least on my part, but it is what it is.  It came to a head the night it happened and while there is peace between us now the road ahead is long and bumpy.

Clearly the two of us have our work cut out for us in the days, weeks, months and (hopefully) years ahead.

The last thing was a major thing in a personal sense, but minor in the sense that when you run up against everything else that's transpired in the last few days is a fairly routine deal.

I had a hole one of my teeth and it had to be pulled.   I'm not sure exactly when it broke, but the day before mom and I were supposed to leave it began to ache,  and after the adrenaline dump after the near emergency that took place two days later it began to hurt more seriously and it needed to be removed.

As a sidebar here, up until my amputation  surgery ten years ago I was TERRIFIED of doctors.   Doctors, dentists...it didn't matter.   Usually,  a doctor visit meant a shot,  and seeing that I was also terrified of needles in a near pathological way, I offended my general health through my younger years.

Naturally,  I'm paying for them in my (almost) middle age, but that's another blog.

Anyway,  my first extraction in 2005 was painless, and the dentist did what he did (numbed, yanked, $150 please) in his perfunctory manner.  Bill Cosby one joked that the numbing agent does not kill pain, it postpones it, and that was certainly the case then.  

Mom and I were standing in line at the pharmacy she used to fill my dad's medicine cabinet of cardiac medication and I went from dull pain to face melting agony in a millisecond, and after four hours of vicodin assisted slumber at home, all was well.

I had no reason to suspect that it wouldn't happen with this tooth pull,  and add it turned out I was pleasantly surprised.

There was discomfort of course, and being held and jerked around by the dentist and his assistant,  but after it was all over there was little, if any of the debilitating passion I experienced years ago.  I'm not a sadist, but I was expecting a lot more and was incredibly grateful that there was so little.

Needless to say, the Christmas holiday in 2017 is a wash, by and large.  The New Year has it's challenges, in this case a few more than last year, but in the end things should work out.

Told you it was gonna be long. ..

Ongoing struggle...

A couple of days ago I posted my annual tribute entry to my daughter, who left us on the day of her birth. If you're a regular reader of my blog you know why I do it, but for those who aren't aware of it, here is why.

Simply put, it's the most visible example of how I deal with the ongoing struggle with grief in my life.

Males deal with things differently than females and I'm certainly no exception to the rule.  That said, males are also supposed to be of stronger construct and resilient enough to move on quicker.

I try and do that every day, but anniversaries always happen, and it brings it all back.

Since 1999, I have had to deal with my emotions on my own as a result of my marriage to my daughter's mother failing.  Truth be told, the failure of our marriage was very likely the beginning of the end for us as a couple, and that is also why this blog exists.

It gets it out in the open.

16 years on...the 9/11 blog entry.

So here we are, 16 years after 9/11 and I'm writing my annual blog about that day.

This year I'm finding it hard to organize my thoughts about this anniversary.  As more time passes, it loses a little impact and I didn't think that was even possible given the scope of that day.

The best comparison to that is the anniversary of the Murrah Building bomb in Oklahoma City, a terrorist attack that happened much closer to home and was much more local in relation to where I live than New York, Washington DC, or Pennsylvania.

That anniversary,  April 19th, is almost back to a normal day by and large,  though there are solemn ceremonies, remembrances and and reading of the names of the victims, that's about it. 

In thinking about it, it's probably a good thing that it's become more of a simple remembrance than anything more elaborate.  I don't think it's a casual thing by any means, especially when it comes to the family's of the dead,  but it's become simpler as time goes forward.

Will 9/11 ever get that way?  Who knows.

Maybe it's best for the grief process that way.  They say time heals all wounds,  or at least takes the edge off.  This country is at that point now with Oklahoma City, and maybe in the future it will be that way with 9/11. 

It will likely take a lot longer to get there though.

This country has come a long way since then,  that's undeniable.  Hopefully,  it can continue progressing.

I support the new President.

The headline says it all.

It's time for the country to put the election to bed once and for all and accept Donald Trump as the 45th President.

Hate me if you like, I don't care.

This means I accept the result of the election as being true in form and correct and that there were no shenanigans or interference in the elections despite what the media are trying to push.

Basically guys, let's get on with the business of the country and grow up.

We're better than this.

It was 20 years ago today: my precious Angel.

The annual post.

She'd be 20 today.  Adulthood eve.  My vision of her is a blonde, blue-eyed young woman in her second or third year of college, working and being the wholesome,  all-American girl her mom and I would be proud of.

Just like every other fifty-ish daddy does,  I'd suppose.

It's hard to believe this much time has passed since that fateful day in 1996 when she was born. 

More and more I wonder how life would have been if she had survived and came to us healthy and alive.   I can't help it.

Movies often imagine how things would be if we went back in time and the history we had were changed off the path they went, and I've been back and forth about how I wou l d handle it if I were offered that opportunity.

Sure, I'd love to go back to the point in time where she could have been saved and born alive but what would that have changed? 

I don't know, and if life were to have been on the same heading would her mother and I split up and divorced like we did? 

If it happened exactly as it did, she'd turn three shortly after we separated and just about to turn five when the divorce was final and I'm not sure I'd want to have her witness how we fell apart.

Especially with her brother being born in between time and all the events that happened within that mix...her grandfather's death in 2002...my illness and amputation in 2008...

I tell you, it boggles the mind.

Hindsight allows us the freedom to imagine the world history in the last 20 years going EXACTLY the way it did but realistically it probably wouldn't.  

That said, when my time comes and we meet in the afterlife I hope she approves of me and how I've lived my life and been a dad for her brother.

I hope she forgives me for what happened with her mother and I.  I hope she forgives her too.  She should know that we have it our best shot, and I hope she's not too upset with either of us for not trying harder to make us work.

There's a lot we'll be talking about when I get there, I fear, now that I think about it.

Every year, it's little harder to write this entry.  No way am I going to stop writing them though. 

Happy 20th birthday sweetie. 

Daddy loves you.  <3 <3 <3.