It’s no secret that my life has taken a significant downturn in the last 12-24 months.
A lot of that was at my own hands, but if I were to put a definitive starting point to how my life has been slowly sinking, it has to start on September 19, 1999. That was the day that the marriage that I hope would last the rest of my life came to a very abrupt halt.
I am a person who dwells in the past. History is very important to me, and my personal history really doesn’t look very good. in fact, it sucks. I can point to one day some 23 years ago when the ball really started tipping over the peak of the hill.
That was the day that my wife left me.
No warning, no indication that anything was wrong. She was just gone. She didn’t even have the courage to tell me, she chose to call my parents and tell them. Her excuse: I was at work and she didn’t want to drop the bomb on me plus, she thought I was suicidal.
Our marriage wasn’t exactly perfeet. It seem to have all of the ups and downs that every other married couple go through, especially early on, but apparently it was supposed to be perfect from day one.
At least on her side. What was worse, was the fact that her family really did not like me. I had several strikes against me when I was dating her, and even though they “allowed“ her to marry me, they were ready to evacuate her out of the situation at a moments notice.
And they did.
She was pregnant with our son at the time, giving her further ammunition to make the case that I was being “abusive” and unfit to be a family man which was something her overbearing meddling mother pounced on, feeding on it, like a shark feeds on a bleeding fish in the sea.
A two year separation was followed by a divorce and over 20 years of being forced to pay back child support that was disingenuously forced upon me after paying money to her throughout the separation.
Both of my parents passed, and her mother passed in since time. She is remarried, and I am single and alone, and another man has 24/7 access to my one and only child, who is now a man.
Thanks to my ex-wife I missed out on my son’s entire childhood. I didn’t get to do the “dad” stuff with him, with her family holding him hostage for months after he was born, forcing my family to be treated like criminals with a draconian “supervision” situation by the aforementioned holier than thou mother in law.
When he was five, he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. He needed me more than ever, but still, control had to be at the top, and she and her mother had it.
Now, my son is a man. His mother once said that my son’s role model was not his father, but his grandfather.. She literally said the quiet part out loud right in front of me and I can never forgive her that.
It was thoughtless, very cruel, and a huge slap in the face.
These are the little thoughts that are becoming big thoughts in my head. This is what torment me day and night, and really makes the case that I am developing a serious mental problem.
It is possibly the closest thing to hell on earth as you can possibly imagine because this whole ordeal has taken my confidence 10 rounds with Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Clubber Lang.
Every day I get up, try to pull things together, and put on the brave face for the rest of the world but inside, the world is on fire in my mind, and in my body, and it’s starting to affect me in my general health.
Heart problems have resulted from this, and all the other health problems that come along with getting older make this experience almost unbearable. Since 2020, I’ve been in the hospital four times once for major surgery, and three times for heart problems.
There are times that this tears me up so much that I wonder when I’m going to reach over to this telephone, dial 911, and head to the hospital possibly for the last time. I’ve never been one to live inside my head and listen to the voices, but they’re getting louder as I get older.
I know that a blog is a horrible place to try and parse out your feelings, but I have to have some kind of an outlet. I know that I am not completely blameless in the failures of my life, but even people like me deserve a break every now and then.
The sad part about it is that nobody wants to hear me bellyache. Nobody wants to hear about this because for some reason I’m not worth listening to. I’ll listen to everyone else and their problems, but no one wants to hear what’s going on with me.
There you go, World, welcome to my head. Welcome to what’s wrong.
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