Reflections...

For a few months now I have been trying to put together a blog about my personal life.

I have generally avoided this subject in the five years this blog has been open...and ironically it was established at the end of a relationship.

But since I am somewhere in limbo in my current relationship status I figure, what the hell.  

30 years ago, when I was sixteen I never could imagine myself married or indeed married and having children.  I was not actively dating for a number of different reasons, mainly because I tried to keep a low profile when I was a teenager out of extreme shyness and fear of being made fun of by my sibling and my friends, but that I chalk up to immaturity and youth, as we all likely do.

That all changed in 1994, 1996, and 2000 as I got married and had two kids all in one long, six-year shot.  I like to do things large and indeed, a two week relationship and a quick marriage proposal proved that out in spectacular fashion.  

As things usually go for me, it was short lived.  Through the marriage, upon which we did our best to make things work with little money even with both of us working, (conditions typical of couples in the mid-90s), attempted to have children...our first attempt in 1996 ending is a stillbirth at 28 weeks, and we were separated headed toward divorce when our only living child was born in 2000...our marriage was abandoned with our son still in utero, so it became readily apparent to me that it was a fair bet I wasn't the marrying (remarrying?) type.

That sounds like a "poor me" paragraph and that is not my intention.  As cathartic and painful as the process of the divorce was...ours actually has a body count, but that's another blog...I would not change anything about the time I was married.  Despite what the other side might tell you I did my best with what we had to work with and it's pretty apparent that I came up short.  I accept that as far as to avoid lingering in the gutter about it, though it is fair to say that it has occluded whatever was to come next, if anything was coming next, that is.

So stepping away from that love...true love...has only decided to strike me twice since then.  Once was actually something I believed in...committed my life and residency to that person and was trying to set my mind right to a life where I was both a father and stepfather, but that fell apart and looking back it probably needed to.  It took me a number of years and facing my own death to help me realize that.  In fairness I probably rode that horse a little too long but if I have anything I can actually thank getting sick and enduring the removal of my foot it was the diversion of my attention away from her to my recovery from that ordeal.

The second time was not that long ago.  It is the inspiration for this blog I mentioned above, as it turns out.  I won't dodge this and make my loyal reader(s) traipse all the way back five years to try and parse that out.  

What I will tell you, as a man who is trying to limit his overall regrets about not fighting harder than I did to put that one back together, I regret not fighting harder.  Not necessarily because I wanted us to just plug along forward on the same line, but I wanted us to thrive and improve.  With her I could see that happening because she made me...as a man...better.

The best part is that I was happy being with her.  We made each other laugh.  We had genuine fun together, and with our children.  I was never made to feel as if I was testifying in front of Congress or a Grand Jury when I was with her and I felt totally at ease.  This is not to say that we didn't make mistakes that demanded we get into altercations, but they were easily resolved and that gives me the privilege to state that in the short time together we rarely fought until the very end.

It is that one...the only one aside from recovering my married relationship...is the one I want back the most.  I admit that here with the full knowledge that I don't know what might be ahead.  It might cause me more problems if this is read by certain parties, but I don't care.  Right now I am in the lengthy process of self-reinvention and I can't be bothered by worrying about what might happen.

At the end of the day (and the blog) I know it's out there.  It can be done.  I just got to be patient.


Even if it takes a lifetime...