It's a wonder I am not crazy.

It's getting to the point that I feel like I am slowly losing it.

I feel as if the world has gotten up and left me yet again and as a result I am pissed off and feel like I am on an island watching the ship slowly disappear over the horizon.  

Why do I feel this way?  A couple of reasons:  

First, I don't have a job.  The three dollars I have in my wallet right now and a loose amalgam of coins in a water bottle in my bedroom represent the sum total of my monetary assets right now.  A grand total, if you were to hold my foot to a hot iron is about $10 bucks if that.  If it were simple for me to get a job I would have, but the market for what I want to do is slim to none, primarily because it is my firm belief that my former place of work...the one that unceremoniously dumped me two years ago...is sabotaging my efforts to find work by using outright lies of my job performance to torpedo any efforts of staying anywhere close to what I feel is the job the higher power had intended for me to do.

It is utter bullshit.  I am not a young man.  I have been through the wringer and I know how things are supposed to go.  I can learn anything anyone would be willing to teach me and yet it's like I am fucking invisible!  I fill out applicatin after application and the JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR!!!  A week ago or so I thought I was on the brink of something and it's like the employer up and disappeared!  POUF!  How in the hell can someone go to an interview, be told he is both "ideally qualified" and "uniquely qualified" and NOT get an answer up or down if they have a job or not.  I mean, for Christ's sake, it's a bail bondsman!  

They are open 24 hours and slap dab in in the middle of a GROWTH INDUSTRY!  To quote Oklahoma State University head football coach Mike Gundy, "I'm a man!  I'm Forty(-five)!"  If you tell me no it won't be the first time, just have the guts to say it!  It would be better if you were to tell me, "Your hired, report at such and such time", but I can take it either way.  The entire employment system in 2014 has become a childish endeavor, but a necessary one and I HATE-HATE-HATE being a slave to it.  It is a major hit to the self confidence of a man who not six years ago survived a horrific blood infection and the loss of a limb.

But that's not all that's grinding my gear this late August night.

I have declared a few things verboten in this blog.  Namely my relationship status.  The main reason is that it's overdone, and none opf you want to her me whine in this volume.  Or maybe you do, I don't know...the feedback has been a little sparse.  In any case I am lifting my ban on said subject because tonight I am pretty torn up about it and nobody who exists in the real world won't listen to me.

I am two months and ten days removed from the end of my last relationship.  Well, it was the "end" in June but somewhere somehow there's a little bit of life left in the relationship.  Don't ask me how that works, because I have not been individually briefed myself.  Either way I am on waivers.  I think.  Earlier tonight, I attempted to spark something that got at least a simple romantic conversation going a year or so ago, but it was quickly rebuked and it was a quick trip back to square one.  

I don't claim to be the best romantic specimen on the planet but I do know how to treat someone.  Or at least I thought I did.  Apparently I have a lot more to learn after a failed marriage, a failed attempt at marriage, and several false starts in between and since. Right now I am struggling with being single and it is really hitting me hard tonight.

Thanks for letting me vent.  It helped a little.